Operation Fluffy Eyebrows.

I hate very few people, but many things.  I figure that's allowed since they aren't human. 

And one of those things that I detest more than life itself is plucking my eyebrows.

I'd rather be fucked by a hot curling iron.  Well, maybe not.  But you get the picture.

It makes me sneeze, my eyes water, and it's painful as hell.  One.  By.  One.
That's the equivalent of torture to me.

But what's the alternative?

This?

I think not.

Or you can have them waxed, which is a pain in the ass for many reasons.

1) It costs money. (Which I'll gladly pay just to NOT have to pluck them, but tally another bullshit thing that chicks have to do that men don't.)

2) You have to make an appointment. (Usually).  I work a job that on any given day I can be there for 24+ hours.  Doesn't make for easy planning.

And finally - the one that REALLY kills me...

3) Those bitches tell me tell me "for best results" with waxing you should let them grow out a bit.

WTF?  WALK AROUND LOOKING LIKE A BUSH WOMAN WHO'S BEEN IN THE JUNGLE FOR 3 MONTHS?  ISN'T THAT WHAT I'M TRYING TO AVOID?

Those bitches make it look so easy.  Apply.  Pull.  Apply.  Pull.
Seems easy enough.  
I can do that.

Those are words I would soon live to regret, and regret I would for some period of time.

           So I thought I'd get a do-it-yourself kit from Walgreens.  That way whenever my eyebrows got unruly I could WHAP! 

          So I perused the aisles looking at my options.  I decided to pick the one that looked like even a dipshit like me could not screw up.  What sold me was the "eyebrow templates."   A template?  For eyebrows? Of any shape & size?  
SOLD.

So I took the box home and was pretty excited to test out my skills.

Sally Hansen can screw herself.

         It came with the equivalent of two pieces of duct tape, taped together that you're supposed to rub between your hands to "heat up" the wax.

Oh shit.  This was gonna be so much more work than I had anticipated.

         Those handy dandy "templates?"  Eyebrow stickers.  I'm dead fricking serious.  Eyebrow fricking stickers.

        I think the "idea" was that you'd put it over your brow (after you've made your "brow" selection) and use it as a guide.

But the thin one was like trying to put sticky dental floss on your brow.  
What a joke.  

          Never mind the fact that with my bushy ass eyebrows there was no way the adhesive was making any contact with skin to hold its place.  Too much floof.

Yet still, I carried on.

I was on a mission.  "Operation Fluffy Eyebrows".  
The objective: PARTIAL Elimination of said "fluffy" eyebrows.

        After thoroughly reading the instructions - TWICE - I felt ready to conquer the task before me.

So I began rubbing the little wax thingys in my hands.  

           I looked like Mr. Miyagi doing that magic shit in the Karate Kid - without the dramatic background music or sound effects.

          I applied it, pushing on the parts that I wanted removed.  It didn't say that in the instructions, but I've seen them do that at the salon so I felt like I was lending my expertise to the instructions.  

Bad idea.

          What I didn't realize was that the "wax" on these pieces of tape were more akin to Super Glue... you know, the kind when you get a microscopic portion on your finger and you can pick up shit with it for days? 

Yeah. Super Glue.
Super.
  
           After I was satisfied that I got all the hairs pushed down, I got prepared for the big pull.  Instructions said to go in the opposite direction of the hair growth, which took me more time to figure out than I'd like to admit.

Never-the-less.  I took a deep breath, and pulled as fast as I could.  

           I felt my skin literally lift up from my skull as I did this, and could help but think I'd never felt that at the salon.

But, if it did the job, who fuckin cares.

And then I looked in the mirror to admire my handiwork.

            My eye area was so instantaneously swollen & red, I didn't see my eyebrow.  So I felt for it with my finger... 

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

I didn't see it because it wasn't there.  

There was a small chunk next to the bridge of my nose.  The rest was..................... gone.

And my face isn't the kind you can easily "pencil in" brows.

          I immediately started freaking out and googling how fast eyebrow hair grows, trying to figure out how I was not going to leave the house for that period of time. 

           But now I had another problem.  I was TOTALLY lopsided.  So I got the genius idea that maybe if I didn't have either eyebrows, then it wouldn't be as noticable.  I was a little more conservative this time  But it looked a little something like this.  Without the chunk on the left (her right).

Me & my 1/2 centimeter eyebrows.

Me & my bright eye-deas.  

The moral of this story is leave it to the damn professionals.  

          The funny thing is, while I still HATE plucking my eyebrows, I think the incident activated something in my brain that somehow made it a TINY bit more tolerable.  Perhaps because I know all too well the consequences of the alternative.

           You don't fully appreciate how much our eyebrows help convey various facial expressions and how hard it is to look surprised or puzzled without them.  Don't know what you've gone, til their gone... literally.

           I would have a picture to show you, but I refused any be taken of me the entire time, although my fiance thought it was funny as hell and tried regularly to take one.  Finally I told him with a straight look on my face - if you take a picture of me like this I will castrate you in your sleep.

I think he knew I wasn't kidding.