Satan's harness

So... we have a very fat cat that likes to lay outside.  He whines like a little bitch to go outside, but I get bored as fuck sitting out there with him getting eaten by mosquitoes.  

Then I got a not-so-bright idea.

We'll get him a harness so we can tie his fat ass out there.

Like a dog.

So upon returning from the pet store, I wasted no time barreling through the packaging and strapping that puppy on.  The only instructions attached was 1/2 a diagram showing how to put the damn thing on and I must confess it was confusing.

Satisfied with my handiwork, Buddy & I headed outside to try it out. I tucked the end under the leg of the patio table leg and sat back to admire my innovative stroke of genius.

I could barely contain my excitement.

Over a cat harness.

Ridiculous, I know.

And for about the first 2 minutes all was well with the world.  '

And then it happened.  

He maxed out his tether and it gave him a jerk he wasn't expecting.  

RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWR!

That portly fucker went airborne in a way that defied gravity in every sense of the word and immediately upon landing he took off in the opposite direction...

Until he again, hit the end of the tether.

RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWRRR!

And again, I got to see the fatass fly.  Literally fly.

I watched him go back and forth like I was watching tennis, trying to figure out what the fuck was going on.  And then it dawned on me.

He thinks something is trying to grab him.

Oh.  Shit.  

WTF do I do?  If I just let the leash loose, he'll be halfway across the country in no time flat.  This cat is so freaked out he might never stop running.  

So I got the leash out and tried to soften the next blow.  Didn't help.

So on his next pass I positioned myself to intercept his path.  Thanks to my own cat-like reflexes, I was able to snatch him as he was flying by.

But by grabbing him, I was doing the exact thing he was freaking the fuck out about & trying to avoid.

He instinctually locked down on my right hand, at which point I dropped him and then immediately tried to pick him back up and he bit through the finger nail on the other hand.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.

There was blood EVERYWHERE.  On me, on the patio, and all over my now red & white cat.

The culprit

What it FELT like the culprit was

Somehow I was able to gain control long enough to throw him in the house.

Blood was gushing everywhere, and the cat was still freaking out because he still had the leash attached to the harness & felt like something was following him.  Off to the emergency room we went.

Day 7 post injury

I later learned from Jackson Galaxy on 'My Cat From Hell' that harnessing a cat with a leash requires a lot of acclimation.  

It said nothing of the sort on the wrapper or instructions.

He still freaks out whenever he sees any kind of thick cord, rope or anything remotely resembling a leash.

I think we're both scarred for life.

Scarred for life.  The aftermath.

ugh.