Case in point, Example #1:
I am a female, ergo I get a period.
They are suppose to last 3-7 days. But mine are ALWAYS 7 days long and I bleed like a stuck pig. The cramps are BEYOND painful, and it fucking makes me want to poke a sharp stick in my eye. This wouldn't be a problem without the myriad of dumb bitches in my life who have repeatedly brought to my attention shit like the following:
"Oh, I never get cramps."
"My periods are only 3 days."
"I barely know I have my period."
FUCK YOU BITCHES.
SERIOUSLY.
I'm curled up in a ball writhing on the floor knowing I have six more days of this bullshit - WTF did I do to deserve this kind of karma. I am not responsible for the death of Christ, nor did I start the Holocaust. In other words, how did I get buried so deep on the fucked up end of the period spectrum?
Example #2:
The other night we were sitting around a campfire, with about 15 people and I'm the only one getting eaten alive by mosquitoes. The fact that I purposely sat in the smoke and bathed in OFF! before going did nothing to deter those hungry, blood-thirsty mother fuckers. Yet everyone was looking at me like I was crazy. Everyone thought it was quite funny actually, until we went in the house later in the evening and they saw how many times I had actually been bitten. I looked like a leper. Like I'd been raped by an entire swarm of bees. So - for shits & giggles - we counted the welts on my body.
FORTY SEVEN FUCKING BITES.
One person had 2 bites, but then joked the mosquitoes must have misidentified him for me.
The ire within me was indescribable. WHY THE FUCK DOES THIS ONLY HAPPEN TO ME? I get it, I'm a sweet gal, but REALLY?
Example #3:
It irritates the SHIT out of me when you're at the grocery store, and the person ahead of you unloads their cart and just stands there for the total. Then - and ONLY then - they decide to get out their purse, dig through it, dig even longer for a pen (only to find it doesn't work & return to digging in that cesspool you call a purse in search of another pen), pull out the checkbook, and start to write a check.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?
Did you think you might pay with cash?
Who the fuck uses checks anymore?
You forgot what store you were in?
Were you waiting for bells & whistles to go off and an announcement to be made that your groceries would be free?
You write like a turtle to boot, so pre-write EVERYTHING but the total next time...
Example #4:
People who drive BELOW the speed limit in the left lane, especially when there is a like-idiot in the right lane. Somehow they become instantly oblivious to the 1/2 mile long caravan of cars behind them waiting for them. Out for a Sunday drive.
Its okay. We get it. You have all the time in the world and left any sense of urgency at home. But the rest of the world is trying to get somewhere for fuck's sake. We aren't just out driving around because its a new-found hobby of ours.
SO MOVE THE FUCK OVER.
Example #5:
People who smack their gum... NON-FUCKING STOP. Try being stuck in a car with one of these people and you'll be begging to ride in the trunk in no-time. It's like Chinese water torture. And the more you try to ignore it, the louder and more obnoxious it gets. I often wonder if the mental asylums in this country are full of people who took long road trips with these gum smacking idiots. I can deal with the occasional crack, but chewing your gum like a cow chews its cud is just plain unnecessary. And hateful.
These are just examples from the last 2 weeks of why I think the world is out to get me. Not in a psychological sense, but in a Murphy's law kind of way. So I think I will keep it open & add to it as more things piss me off.
These are the things that make me a bitch... SO FUCKING WHAT?
No comments:
Post a Comment