Operation Fluffy Eyebrows.

I hate very few people, but many things.  I figure that's allowed since they aren't human. 

And one of those things that I detest more than life itself is plucking my eyebrows.

I'd rather be fucked by a hot curling iron.  Well, maybe not.  But you get the picture.

It makes me sneeze, my eyes water, and it's painful as hell.  One.  By.  One.
That's the equivalent of torture to me.

But what's the alternative?

This?

I think not.

Or you can have them waxed, which is a pain in the ass for many reasons.

1) It costs money. (Which I'll gladly pay just to NOT have to pluck them, but tally another bullshit thing that chicks have to do that men don't.)

2) You have to make an appointment. (Usually).  I work a job that on any given day I can be there for 24+ hours.  Doesn't make for easy planning.

And finally - the one that REALLY kills me...

3) Those bitches tell me tell me "for best results" with waxing you should let them grow out a bit.

WTF?  WALK AROUND LOOKING LIKE A BUSH WOMAN WHO'S BEEN IN THE JUNGLE FOR 3 MONTHS?  ISN'T THAT WHAT I'M TRYING TO AVOID?

Those bitches make it look so easy.  Apply.  Pull.  Apply.  Pull.
Seems easy enough.  
I can do that.

Those are words I would soon live to regret, and regret I would for some period of time.

           So I thought I'd get a do-it-yourself kit from Walgreens.  That way whenever my eyebrows got unruly I could WHAP! 

          So I perused the aisles looking at my options.  I decided to pick the one that looked like even a dipshit like me could not screw up.  What sold me was the "eyebrow templates."   A template?  For eyebrows? Of any shape & size?  
SOLD.

So I took the box home and was pretty excited to test out my skills.

Sally Hansen can screw herself.

         It came with the equivalent of two pieces of duct tape, taped together that you're supposed to rub between your hands to "heat up" the wax.

Oh shit.  This was gonna be so much more work than I had anticipated.

         Those handy dandy "templates?"  Eyebrow stickers.  I'm dead fricking serious.  Eyebrow fricking stickers.

        I think the "idea" was that you'd put it over your brow (after you've made your "brow" selection) and use it as a guide.

But the thin one was like trying to put sticky dental floss on your brow.  
What a joke.  

          Never mind the fact that with my bushy ass eyebrows there was no way the adhesive was making any contact with skin to hold its place.  Too much floof.

Yet still, I carried on.

I was on a mission.  "Operation Fluffy Eyebrows".  
The objective: PARTIAL Elimination of said "fluffy" eyebrows.

        After thoroughly reading the instructions - TWICE - I felt ready to conquer the task before me.

So I began rubbing the little wax thingys in my hands.  

           I looked like Mr. Miyagi doing that magic shit in the Karate Kid - without the dramatic background music or sound effects.

          I applied it, pushing on the parts that I wanted removed.  It didn't say that in the instructions, but I've seen them do that at the salon so I felt like I was lending my expertise to the instructions.  

Bad idea.

          What I didn't realize was that the "wax" on these pieces of tape were more akin to Super Glue... you know, the kind when you get a microscopic portion on your finger and you can pick up shit with it for days? 

Yeah. Super Glue.
Super.
  
           After I was satisfied that I got all the hairs pushed down, I got prepared for the big pull.  Instructions said to go in the opposite direction of the hair growth, which took me more time to figure out than I'd like to admit.

Never-the-less.  I took a deep breath, and pulled as fast as I could.  

           I felt my skin literally lift up from my skull as I did this, and could help but think I'd never felt that at the salon.

But, if it did the job, who fuckin cares.

And then I looked in the mirror to admire my handiwork.

            My eye area was so instantaneously swollen & red, I didn't see my eyebrow.  So I felt for it with my finger... 

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

I didn't see it because it wasn't there.  

There was a small chunk next to the bridge of my nose.  The rest was..................... gone.

And my face isn't the kind you can easily "pencil in" brows.

          I immediately started freaking out and googling how fast eyebrow hair grows, trying to figure out how I was not going to leave the house for that period of time. 

           But now I had another problem.  I was TOTALLY lopsided.  So I got the genius idea that maybe if I didn't have either eyebrows, then it wouldn't be as noticable.  I was a little more conservative this time  But it looked a little something like this.  Without the chunk on the left (her right).

Me & my 1/2 centimeter eyebrows.

Me & my bright eye-deas.  

The moral of this story is leave it to the damn professionals.  

          The funny thing is, while I still HATE plucking my eyebrows, I think the incident activated something in my brain that somehow made it a TINY bit more tolerable.  Perhaps because I know all too well the consequences of the alternative.

           You don't fully appreciate how much our eyebrows help convey various facial expressions and how hard it is to look surprised or puzzled without them.  Don't know what you've gone, til their gone... literally.

           I would have a picture to show you, but I refused any be taken of me the entire time, although my fiance thought it was funny as hell and tried regularly to take one.  Finally I told him with a straight look on my face - if you take a picture of me like this I will castrate you in your sleep.

I think he knew I wasn't kidding.

Satan's harness

So... we have a very fat cat that likes to lay outside.  He whines like a little bitch to go outside, but I get bored as fuck sitting out there with him getting eaten by mosquitoes.  

Then I got a not-so-bright idea.

We'll get him a harness so we can tie his fat ass out there.

Like a dog.

So upon returning from the pet store, I wasted no time barreling through the packaging and strapping that puppy on.  The only instructions attached was 1/2 a diagram showing how to put the damn thing on and I must confess it was confusing.

Satisfied with my handiwork, Buddy & I headed outside to try it out. I tucked the end under the leg of the patio table leg and sat back to admire my innovative stroke of genius.

I could barely contain my excitement.

Over a cat harness.

Ridiculous, I know.

And for about the first 2 minutes all was well with the world.  '

And then it happened.  

He maxed out his tether and it gave him a jerk he wasn't expecting.  

RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWR!

That portly fucker went airborne in a way that defied gravity in every sense of the word and immediately upon landing he took off in the opposite direction...

Until he again, hit the end of the tether.

RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWRRR!

And again, I got to see the fatass fly.  Literally fly.

I watched him go back and forth like I was watching tennis, trying to figure out what the fuck was going on.  And then it dawned on me.

He thinks something is trying to grab him.

Oh.  Shit.  

WTF do I do?  If I just let the leash loose, he'll be halfway across the country in no time flat.  This cat is so freaked out he might never stop running.  

So I got the leash out and tried to soften the next blow.  Didn't help.

So on his next pass I positioned myself to intercept his path.  Thanks to my own cat-like reflexes, I was able to snatch him as he was flying by.

But by grabbing him, I was doing the exact thing he was freaking the fuck out about & trying to avoid.

He instinctually locked down on my right hand, at which point I dropped him and then immediately tried to pick him back up and he bit through the finger nail on the other hand.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.

There was blood EVERYWHERE.  On me, on the patio, and all over my now red & white cat.

The culprit

What it FELT like the culprit was

Somehow I was able to gain control long enough to throw him in the house.

Blood was gushing everywhere, and the cat was still freaking out because he still had the leash attached to the harness & felt like something was following him.  Off to the emergency room we went.

Day 7 post injury

I later learned from Jackson Galaxy on 'My Cat From Hell' that harnessing a cat with a leash requires a lot of acclimation.  

It said nothing of the sort on the wrapper or instructions.

He still freaks out whenever he sees any kind of thick cord, rope or anything remotely resembling a leash.

I think we're both scarred for life.

Scarred for life.  The aftermath.

ugh.

Jeanius peeple's branes. An educashunal lessen.

Nothing grates on my nerves more than people not knowing how to use elementary level English, misuse of words, and the annihilation of spelling.  I'm not talking about your standard shortcuts, either.  I'm talking about shit that gets fucked up all the time that screams "Hey, I flunked out of 3rd grade, but they gave me a high school diploma anyway."  I get it - English class was a snooze, but for the sake of sanity don't advertise being a half-wit.

For example:

Bold-faced lie.   Its not a ball-face lie. Unless you are trying to enhance the gravity of the lie by throwing balls on a face, I'm not sure that's the correct avenue to go.  It's bold-faced lie.  As in - a lie in bold typeface.  An obvious lie.  For fucks sake people, get it right.

"Loose" - it rhymes with noose & goose but DOES NOT MEAN the opposite of win.  I see this shit all the fuckin time on posts. (i.e. I'm gonna loose more sleep tonight).  NO YOU'RE NOT.  "Loose" means 'not tight', for fuck's sake.  (yes - apostrophe s, as it the fuck owns its sake).  A whore is "loose", and I suggest you don't ever use that word referring to yourself in any manner - unless you're a slut.    LOSE - to not win, to be unable to find something, etc.It's basically lost - drop the t & add the e.    ONE FUCKING O.  It's not that difficult people.

You're/Your/ & There/They're/Their are going to drive me to an early grave.  Apparently the trifecta of options is too much for people to handle.  So let me break it down:

NEARLY EVERY TIME THERE IS AN APOSTROPHE IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE, IT IS IN REPLACEMENT OF A LETTER.  So.... If you are saying 'you are' or 'they are' it would be you're or they're.   If something belongs to them it's theirs - if it belongs to you it's yours.  If its not here, add a 't' and it's there.

I don't give a shit if you're a Democrat or a Republican, you should still know how to spell the name of our Commander-In-Chief.   Apparently upgrading from a 4-letter last name (Bush) to a 5-letter one has thrown the population for a loop.  Some have decided to make our first African-American president Irish by inserting a random apostrophe in his name.  WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?  O'BAMA?  REALLY?  It's 5 letters - stop trying to get fancy for crying out loud.

GRATEFUL:  Its not greatful, you ingrate.  Think gratitude.  And - not to confuse - but the same applies for ungrateful.  It's not ungreatful.

of course/coarse:  Course = something you take in school, "of course" if you agree, and coarse is just thick.  Corse is NOT an option.

By/Buy/Bye - By - near to or next to something
BUY - to purchase
Bye - short for goodbye

To/Too/Two:   To - from here to there, the catchall for to
Too - if you've had tooooooooo much of something, you need an extra o, also means also - as in 'I love you too'
Two - the number between 1 & 3.  There are 2 V's in the W that goes into two.

Eye spose we culd jus bern tha dikshunary an spel evrything funetticly.  Butt than haff tha tyme yoo mite knot no whut peeple wur akshully sayne.

Think I'm crazy?  Search twitter for any of the following words (just to name a few) & you'll be amazed.

Coulden't/Woulden't
"Rasing" used for raising AND racing.  Ugh.
pitcher instead of picture
scense instead of sense or scents
oppourtunity instead of opportunity
tammarow instead of tomorrow
confortable/comfurtable instead ofcomfortable -
sware instead of swear
champaign instead of champagne
branes instead of brains
normel instead of normal
yooth instead of youth
tryed instead of tried.
presant instead of present
hole instead of whole
waisted instead of wasted
stake instead of steak
hurricayn instead of hurricane
samwitch/samwich instead of sandwich
goodbuy instead of goodbye
conchus instead of conscious or conscience
contious/uncontious instead of conscious
reasin instead of reason
reel instead of real
soonami or sunami instead of tsunami
Verticle instead of vertical
nickle instead of nickel
sellphone instead of cell phone

I seriously worry about the future of this nation and am hoping to be dead and gone by the time this generation of fuckwits takes over.  If I'm not dead by then, the stupidity just might kill me.


*this post will be updated on an ongoing basis as more fuckery & tomfoolery is discovered.