Are you sick and tired of being the only person well-rested at work? Does it make you angry that you consistently get at least 8 hours of sleep every night?
Well say no more.
I have a guaranteed solution to your problem!
For a nominal fee, you can rent this cat! (I'd offer her for sale, but she's technically not mine, so I gotta work with what I've got.) She is highly anti-social and anxious, so she will be no trouble during the day. At night, however, she will make a non-stop screeching noise akin to a rabbit getting killed.
If you've never heard a rabbit getting killed, hit the YouTube and search screaming rabbit...I reckon the getting killed part might be against their terms of service, but you'll get the idea.
Now imagine that on repeat. For 8-10 hours. It will make your ears bleed. You will question your sanity. You will want to die.
PROBLEM SOLVED! You can now conform with the rest of your poorly rested co-workers, which will likely end any perkiness that alienated you from them in the first place. Call it a bonding opportunity over common ground...
Other bonuses to aforementioned cat rental:
* She will find every pair of nice leather shoes you own and claw the living shit out of them in an attempt to sharpen her claws. I know you're thinking - WAIT, she's not declawed? No. I normally do not confess this, but she belongs to a bleeding heart liberal who thought it would be mean to do that to her. Easy for him to say, it wasn't HIS shoes or furniture she would do Edward Scissorhands impersonations of... Lucky for you, she has discerning taste & only likes nice shoes. So if you keep your ratty shit out, you'll be in the clear.
* She is litterbox trained. However, depending on the length of your desired rental, I must disclose the following: The little princess will not go in a dirty litterbox. Anything short of sparkling & pristine will cause the little rat to drop a dolphin right outside the box. Im pretty sure its her way of saying "Fuck You, Im a Princess."
* She is not fixed. So if you need any inanimate objects in your house to be grinded on or snuggled with, she is not very picky. This includes chairs, stuffed animals, bath towels... pretty much anything she can attempt to gain love from. Disclaimer: This is during both the "heat" and the "preheat" stages.
*Entertainment value! She is also apparently a hot commodity in the feline world, because a few of her screeches will have every male cat in the neighborhood outside your door making equally disturbing sounds in an attempt to woo her. You haven't lived until you've heard a gaggle of male cats singing to a horny she-kitty they wanna tap. Its quite the orchestra.
* Deterrent! Have your kids been nagging you about getting a cat? What a wonderful way to test drive the situation! Your kids are sure to change their mind after hourly litterbox cleanings for an anti social cat that will not go near them. She hides so well, sometimes I don't see her for days even when Im looking for her.
* On A Timer! When you wake up in the morning, disheveled and duffle bags under your eyes looking like the Bride of Chucky because you haven't slept in weeks, she'll retreat to her spot and promptly fall asleep.
Serious inquiries only, please. Hell, I'll even throw some free nights in for you. My sleep deprivation has piqued my generosity. Don't let this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity pass you by!
