I should have known I'd be in for a doozy of a day when we had to board, deplane, replane, deplane, and replane one final time before actually heading into the friendly skies. Looking back now, that was the tame part of my flying experience.
Upon arriving in Cleveland, my now 1 1/2 hour layover had been reduced to 8 minutes, which caused me to run like my ass was on fire just to make the flight.
I found my seat, and it soon became apparent that the little old lady seated next to me in seat C was flying with her daughter & son-in-law (seated across the aisle in A & B). I thought it odd that the daughter didn't sit with her mother and let her husband sit next to a stranger. I would soon learn why.
During pre-flight instructions, she began flipping through the magazines from the seat back.
RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP.
She tore a sheet out. I saw it had a coupon, so I didn't think much about it except for the loud noise it made.
While the flight attendant was still giving instructions, (including that these magazines were complimentary) a second RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP even caught the attention of nearby passengers. Everyone except for her family I guess. Or maybe they were just used to it.
She proceeded to shred through the various magazines through the entire taxi and take-off, until she was satisfied with her pile of sheets. She even tore out the Sudoku puzzles, which... were completed.
OMG. This is going to be a LONG flight, I thought to myself.
I had no idea how right I was.
So after we approach cruising altitude, it becomes apparent that once her ears 'pop' she can't hear and now speaks in a volume so loud I'm sure geese outside of our pressurized cabin could clearly discern what she was saying. Shit, the pilot could probably hear her with the cockpit doors shut and the headphones on.
So she turns to me andsays shouts, "I'm sorry I'm a little gassy today." I smile with every ounce of politeness I could muster and politely say "That's okay." What she didn't tell me, however, was that she would lean to the right & left every time she had to tear one loose and follow it with a verbal "Oh!"
If I was seated out of the line of fire, I would have no doubt found this beyond hilarious. However, given my current position, I was less than amused. My only saving grace was that they didn't stink up the whole cabin. More bark than bite, if you will.
After she made the announcement about being gassy to everyone around us, her daughter tried to intervene and whisper something across the aisle to her. Several attempts proved futile as she couldn't hear a thing, so I think the daughter gave up. The son-in-law just stared straight out the window the entire time, and I'd reckon to say this was completely intentional on his part.
The statement "a little gassy" is like saying Cherynobl was a firecracker... and I honestly couldn't decide if it was worse when she leaned into me, grunted, and shot it into the aisle, or leaned into the aisle & shot it my way.
About 35 minutes into the flight, the little old lady leans over, as she had done countless times before, but instead of the staccato "Oh" that always followed, this one was followed by "Oh!...oh. oh. oh." I knew this couldn't be good.
She wiggled around in her seat for about 15 seconds and then grabbed her daughter's arm across the aisle and shouted "I made a pie! I made a pie!" This statement completely escaped me at first, but once I saw the horrified look on her daughter's face, it soon became apparent just what kind of "pie" she had just made. I heard her shout something about leaking, and her daughter told her to stand up.
I will spare you the details, but the seat next to me was wet. And so were her pants. SOAKED. And then the smell hit me.
OMFG.
I wanted to jump out of my own seat. I had been pondering the idea of asking for a parachute earlier in the flight, but now it seriously sounded like a good idea.
The daughter summoned the flight attendant, and was obviously explaining the situation because the flight attendant turned and gave me a sympathetic look. I don't want sympathy, just get me the hell out of here!
I think she read my mind, because she instantly offered to move me to a seat in first class. While I was more than happy to do so, maneuvering past a dripping seat both tested my balance & agility and skeeved the living shit out of me. No pun intended.
I ran to the front, leaving everything behind. I wanted to turn around and watch the conclusion of the freak show, but felt too nosy when I turned around to even peek.
I don't know what I would've done if that flight had been full.
I will never look at pies the same way either.
Next time, maybe I'll drive... even if its to Hawaii.
So after we approach cruising altitude, it becomes apparent that once her ears 'pop' she can't hear and now speaks in a volume so loud I'm sure geese outside of our pressurized cabin could clearly discern what she was saying. Shit, the pilot could probably hear her with the cockpit doors shut and the headphones on.
So she turns to me and
If I was seated out of the line of fire, I would have no doubt found this beyond hilarious. However, given my current position, I was less than amused. My only saving grace was that they didn't stink up the whole cabin. More bark than bite, if you will.
After she made the announcement about being gassy to everyone around us, her daughter tried to intervene and whisper something across the aisle to her. Several attempts proved futile as she couldn't hear a thing, so I think the daughter gave up. The son-in-law just stared straight out the window the entire time, and I'd reckon to say this was completely intentional on his part.
The statement "a little gassy" is like saying Cherynobl was a firecracker... and I honestly couldn't decide if it was worse when she leaned into me, grunted, and shot it into the aisle, or leaned into the aisle & shot it my way.
About 35 minutes into the flight, the little old lady leans over, as she had done countless times before, but instead of the staccato "Oh" that always followed, this one was followed by "Oh!...oh. oh. oh." I knew this couldn't be good.
She wiggled around in her seat for about 15 seconds and then grabbed her daughter's arm across the aisle and shouted "I made a pie! I made a pie!" This statement completely escaped me at first, but once I saw the horrified look on her daughter's face, it soon became apparent just what kind of "pie" she had just made. I heard her shout something about leaking, and her daughter told her to stand up.
I will spare you the details, but the seat next to me was wet. And so were her pants. SOAKED. And then the smell hit me.
OMFG.
I wanted to jump out of my own seat. I had been pondering the idea of asking for a parachute earlier in the flight, but now it seriously sounded like a good idea.
The daughter summoned the flight attendant, and was obviously explaining the situation because the flight attendant turned and gave me a sympathetic look. I don't want sympathy, just get me the hell out of here!
I think she read my mind, because she instantly offered to move me to a seat in first class. While I was more than happy to do so, maneuvering past a dripping seat both tested my balance & agility and skeeved the living shit out of me. No pun intended.
I ran to the front, leaving everything behind. I wanted to turn around and watch the conclusion of the freak show, but felt too nosy when I turned around to even peek.
I don't know what I would've done if that flight had been full.
I will never look at pies the same way either.
Next time, maybe I'll drive... even if its to Hawaii.
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