Beware: Splash Zone

What is with modern toilets in public spaces???  

Case in point, the new bathrooms at work.  

To give you a little history, they used to not have the strength to swallow a single one-ply square. 

Now they are fully automatic with that sensor thingy that flushes every time you move.   While this solves the horrible problem of people who have an inability to flush, it creates so many more.

Talk about hypersensitivity.  So you walk in the stall, and prepare to line the toilet with paper or a liner.  What you aren't prepared for, however, is while bent over you are about to set the first of many triggered flushes off resulting in a power wash to your face.  Its disgusting.

Someone decided the settings on the flush must be set in jigawatts due to some anticipated need for the capacity to flush a silo worth of shit, because it flushes with so much velocity and thrust it actually escapes the toilet and soaks the floor.  There is no "Do not flush sanitary products" sign, likely because that beast could handle a diaper... pail.

Then, mid-business, it decides you are finished before you’ve barely started and gives you a flush with so much horsepower it’s like a super bidet.    And believe me when I say there is no surprise like that surprise when you are not expecting it.  You feel like Old Faithful just made a cameo appearance in your bathroom stall, yet you don't feel the slightest bit lucky about it. Now you have another problem.  Not only did it sandblast your bits, it also got your cheeks so wet you need a beach towel to dry off.  The problem is, you still haven't done the job you came there to do.  

So now you have to figure out how to dry yourself off without aforementioned beach towel, and without moving enough to tilt the light in a way that would trigger another flush.   Its like being a deer caught in headlights.  Don't. Move. And there will be no problem.

Then comes the dismount.  This is the trickiest part of all.  Because just as you stand you hear the low growl of the incoming flush which is no longer capped by your ass and you know it is about to send water flying through the stall akin to being in the Splash Zone at a Shamu show.     So, pants at your ankles, thighs, it doesn't matter - because you are about to make a dive for the door knowing there is a 6” swath by the door that remains unaffected by the splash and you don’t feel like getting drenched... again.  Nothing like the toilet version of Deepwater Horizon blowing up in your stall, except instead of sending oil into the air with astounding force, its sending your urine flying high into the air.   And your safe zone is hardly accommodating.   Now to escape before the damn thing goes off again when you open the door.  

You feel lucky to escape with your life.  

It’s all ridiculous.