Snorting tampons

About a week after I bought my new car, I was driving down the street minding my own damned business on my way to work when I felt something tickling the inside of my nose.

WTF is that?

It was immediately clear that it wasn't your standard run-of-the-mill booger.  

And then it happened.  

<PLOP> right down the front of my white shirt. 

FUCK.  

My nose is bleeding.

NOW what?  I scrambled to the glove compartment knowing I wouldn't find the napkins that I hoped would somehow miraculously appear.

NOTHING.

The funny thing is, I could have cared less about getting blood on ME... JUST NOT MY NEW CAR. 

It was then that I felt it.  
In my pocket.  
Thank GOD for Aunt Flo (believe me that is one of 3 times in my life that very thought came to pass.)  
My saving grace.
A tampon.

Not wanting to roll into work with a shirt on that made it look like I wrestled a grizzly bear on my way in, I didn't even stop to think about it.

I unwrapped that rocket & launched it up my nose with such ease & precision you would've thought I worked for NASA.    I didn't even have time to think about what I was doing.  It was like some kind of animalistic survival instinct kicked in.

Ah.  Disaster averted.

Not so quick.

As I neared work, the hot guy that works upstairs that I made an effort everyday to intentionally run into pulled up next to me.  

GEEZUZ.  I ducked & kind of hid my face but it was too late.

My dumbass had shown him my new red car, so I was tragically difficult to camouflage.  

HOLY SHIT.  Is this light broken?  HURRY THE FUCK UP.

I saw something moving out of my left peripheral & there he was - waving at me.  

FUCK IT.

I turned my head, tampon up my nose, string dangling precariously in the wind with blood on my shirt and waved back with a crazy-psycho look on my face as if to make a joke of the whole thing.

The look of fright & confusion on his face was priceless.  And then the light turned green.  I sped off & saw him still sitting there with a look of disbelief as I turned into work.

Of course my crush on him died that day, and nothing more was ever said about it.  In fact, I rarely saw him after that.

Sometimes I reminisce about what might have been... had I not be forced to snort tampons on that sunny Tuesday morning.

Oh fucking hell.  At least my car remained untarnished.